An Essay on Bibles in the Lower Caseby Dennis Payton Knight on 01/20/16
The challenge today is to deliver an essay on the word “bible”, a notion I have never before entertained. Of course folks have been writing to the high heavens about The Bible in the upper case, so instead I will approach the topic in the lower case. For that I’ve done a little research, finding in that case a bible can be any book, reference work, periodical, etc., accepted as authoritative, informative, or reliable. Yes, that fits me to a tee.
The internet yields hundreds of listings for bibles. Most of them are in the upper case, but more than a few are in the lower case, like The Healthy Smoothie Bible, The Beekeeper’s Bible, a Baking Bible and three different bibles to help wayward youth get into law school.
For connoisseurs there is a Wine Bible, a culinary guide called The Flavor Bible, a Soup Bible, The Hamburger Gourmet Bible, a Vegan World Food Bible and The Vegetarian Flavor Bible. For those who don’t eat with one pinkie pointing on high there is a Beer Bible, The Whiskey Bible, The Pizza Bible and a Barbecue Bible. If you like dried tomatoes, crispy bananas and turkey jerky, order The Dehydrator Bible.
I already know, by the way, all of the commandments in The Diabetics Bible, and yes, bless me father, for I have sinned. For my penance I will order and adhere forever to The Juicing Bible.
The Real Estate Rehab Investing Bible might make you rich, and you can put your money into a profitable new Colorado industry where there are two handy bibles waiting, namely Marijuana Horticulture: The Indoor/Outdoor Medical Grower’s Bible, and The Cannabis Grow Bible. To keep track of inventory and profits you can create some useful spreadsheets with the help of The Excel Bible.
If you are still in your athletic prime, you might want to top your career by dedicating yourself to the creed and principles set forth in The Triathlete’s Training Bible. If you are over the hill and prefer to stand on the sidelines, there are bibles for football coaches, baseball coaches, volleyball, swimming andsoccer coaches.
Ornithologists find joy and answers in The Birding Bible. Hobbyists find reference material in The Crystal Bible, The Calligrapher’s Bible and The Furniture Bible. If meditation is more to your liking, you will find thoughts to think in The Chakra Bible and The Yoga Bible.
Those of us obsessed with stringing words together can find deliverance in The Story Bible, The Writer’s Bible and The Freelance Writer's Bible: Your Guide to a Profitable Writing Career Within One Year.Finally, for fans of irony we have The Shooters Bible. I won’t go out of my way, but if I happen to be traveling in America’s Bible Belt, I might just find one waiting in ambush in my hotel room. If so, I will read its commandments and get myself saved by Charlton Heston himself.